Viridian Games

Okay, so I went up to Whole Foods and got some shirataki noodles.

The product they offered wasn’t the zero calorie kind – it was this brand. Still, the noodles only have 20 calories per serving, which is more than low enough.

So what are they like?

Well, first, the come packed in water and they need to be refrigerated. They only last about three months, even in the fridge.

Second, they are two bucks a pack…but a pack has two servings. So they cost about ten times as much as normal ramen noodles…but still pretty cheap.

Third, while you do not cook the noodles, you must still prepare them properly in order to get the most out of them.

When you open the bag, you will be immediately hit with a very Asian, fishy smell. Do not panic. Drain the noodles in a colander and then rinse them very well under hot water. Drain them again.

Now comes the most crucial step – you must dry the noodles. Everyone who complains about these kinds of noodles has typically missed this step. Put the noodles in the microwave for one minute, then dry them well between layers of paper towels. You’re almost going to want to wring them out – only by getting the packaging water out of the noodles will they be able to soak up whatever sauce you’re going to put on them.

You’ll notice that the fishy smell is gone. If you taste one, you’ll notice that it…well, doesn’t really taste like anything. You’ll also note that the “unique texture” the web page touts is actually that of rubber. It doesn’t bother me much, but if you’re used to regular ramen noodles…

Add some protein (I use about four ounces of either shrimp or chicken), some veggies and a little soy or Worcestershire sauce and you’ve got a very filling meal for about 250 to 300 calories. I’ve heard they work even better in stir-fries, which makes perfect sense.

I’ll be eating these religiously for two meals a day for the next week. On Friday I’ll report my progress.

Okay. You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting PTFSD updates. The astute among you have probably guessed it’s because it’s not going well. You’d be right! While I have gotten my weight down to 315.9 at one point, my lack of dieting resolve has caused it to rebound to nearly 320. This seems to be a “plateau weight” for me – a weight my body likes to hang around, and in order to lose more I have to drill down to a lower plateau weight.

(This applies only to my dieting. I am still walking for an hour at least five days a week, which I guess I should be proud of…if it were helping.)

The problem, of course, is that I like to eat. And I tend to eat more when I’m stressed, because I don’t feel like starving myself when everything else in my life…well, sucks. So I guess I should be happy that I haven’t gained any more weight (the last time I was unemployed was when I ballooned up to 360).

But I need something serious to get myself unstuck. I have shied away from gimmicks in my diet because, well, most of them not only don’t help, they are actively harmful to your health. Stimulants, hCG, Atkins – all really bad ideas.

But then I found out about miracle noodles, also known as shirataki noodles. What are they, you ask? They’re noodles with a blissfully short ingredient list: water, soluble fiber, and calcium. Which means that they contain no sugar, no starch, no fat, and no protein. They effectively have zero calories. They seem like such the perfect thing to help me that I must either be dreaming or…they must taste like krep.

Have I tried them? Not yet. I went to four different Asian markets yesterday looking for them, to no avail. On a whim I called Whole Foods…and they have them. So I’ll be running up there later today to pick some up. Expect an update later on how they measure up!